Something Rich and Strange

Just arrived in Hollywood and already I’m seeing stars (no, I wasn’t hit on the head by luggage in the overhead compartment that shifted during flight)! I’m staying with friends at an exclusive A-lister enclave at Sunset and La Cienega. Was able to surreptitiously snap a pic of Paul Sorvino (you know, father of more famous progeny, Oscar winner Mira, and star of TV and movies including such notables as “Repo! The Genetic Opera,” “Mafia Doctor” and “Vasectomy: a Delicate Matter”(in all fairness, he has had roles in some highly-regarded films and you can click here to view them).

To be accurate, I didn't see Sorvino in the flesh, but his bust (as in his sculpture, not his chest). I’m told it’s a self-bust, which makes this sighting (on his exclusive patio, no less!) all the more meaningful. In a nod to all my baseball-obsessed readers (you know who you are), he did play former Yankees coach Joe Torre in the movie-of-the-week epic, aptly named, “Joe Torre: Curveballs Along the Way.”

I’ll be on the lookout for more celebrity fodder over the next couple of days, so check back often. I’m told that we have a good chance of running into other mega wattage celebs, such as any Kardashian spawn and people who are famous for, uh, being famous (statistically, the latter is more likely due to a larger pool from which to draw).

Signed,

Your Wayward Hollywood Reporter

That television often panders to the lowest common denominator by airing such detritus as Celebrity Rehab and Bait Car, is not news. And yet I was shocked at what I viewed last night. On a commercial, no less. To describe what I saw would mean quoting a phrase that is often used in tandem with, “Does the Pope wear a beanie”? in acknowledging the obvious. And the answer to both is "yes."

If one did not already know what bears do in the woods when they’re not mauling or eating people, you would soon learn by watching any number of Charmin’s animated commercials. They depict cute cartoon bears who at least have the decency to do their business behind a tree. And like many cartoon characters, they have no visible genitalia, let alone a means to excrete either liquids or solids. So in the past the only evidence of what went on behind that tree is a little less Charmin on the roll. No more.

Following the use of what the viewer is told is an inferior brand of toilet paper, this adorable bear appears with the remnants of said toilet paper apparently stuck in the region of his, umm, tail. Now this is what is shocking. While we all know what a bear is purported to do in the woods (no, I will not lower my standards by writing the word that is an amalgam of “hit” beginning with an “s.” That’s just not in this gal’s stylebook.) But you can be sure that that substance is the bond that apparently affixes brands other than Charmin to the nether regions.

So in an effort to get to the bottom (sorry; I couldn’t resist) of how the heck P & G is getting away with such appalling advertising, I visited the Charmin Web site. In addition to employing every euphemism possible to describe what goes on behind bathroom doors, I clicked-through to Charmin’s Facebook and Twitter pages wondering what in the world would people post on a toilet paper site.

Leah: Where does a can go once it gets "canned"? [heh, heh; editor] Is there a toilet heaven for porcelain thrones who have really helped people enjoy the go? Some toilets saved the lives of people during Lebanon's War by offering a hiding spot.

And how about this gem from Twitter:

Annie: the toilet paper in Australia... has sailboats! Thanks to Bobby Sprinkles [I kid you not], our official TP correspondent! [ditto.]

All right. I’ve done my duty in warning you that P&G has gone too far with its unbearable television advertising. You may want to post a note to them. The bottom line: get a DVR.