Something Rich and Strange

“Joy and woe are woven fine, / A clothing for the Soul Divine.”
- William Blake

Meet “Death Bear.” The name sounds rather ominous as we humans expect our encounters with bears, outside of excitedly spotting them from the safety of a tour bus or in the zoo, to end badly (as indeed some have). And of course, Stephen Colbert regularly ranks bears the number one concern on his “Threatdown” list of things we should worry about.

But this bear is a kinder and gentler member of the of Ursidae family. Well, he’s actually not a bear at all, but a guy who lives in a so-called “cave” in Brooklyn. He is a performance artist by trade who visits those who summon him, in his bear’s head and black jumpsuit, to dispose of the lingering detritus of relationships, bad choices and whatever else is impeding people from moving on in life.

While you may think inviting a guy dressed as a bear to your home to pick-up that David Hasselhoff CD collection your ex left behind and never, inexplicably, retrieved, sounds a little, uh, too weird for you, there are alternatives.

In regard to relationships, what Death Bear really represents is a ritual denoting the passage of someone who had a significant impact on your life. Even if you called it quits, it still hurts. But, you cling to memories and in many cases, the material evidence of that relationship. Enter Death Bear, who takes these left-behind belongings and disposes of them permanently.

Rituals denote a passage from one stage of life to another. Typically, they occur in formalized religious ceremony, notably as initiations (think christenings and communions), weddings and funerals. Although some beliefs, such as Islam and Judaism, address the “undoing” of a marriage, there are few rituals that mark the end of a romantic relationship outside of a religious union. And despite the fact that there usually is not a legal dissolution to a “break-up,” the emotional transition is just as profound.

But don’t despair if you don’t live in Brooklyn or a “Death Bear” franchise hasn’t come to a convenient location near you. Devising your own ritual for parting ways, psychologists tell us, can be a healthy solution for moving on.

“A growing number of invented divorce rites have appeared in North America, even though we are a culture with little experience of rites that nullify,” says expert Dr. Ronald L. Grimes, who has written extensively on rituals in modern life. “Divorce is a rite that, in effect, undoes a previous rite, a wedding.”

For instance, divorce parties are becoming more common, complete with cake, balloons declaring “I’m divorced and happy” (or a similar message), and champagne. Usually, there is some “letting go” or destruction of objects that represented the relationship, such as rings, love letters and those annoying David Hasselhoff CDs.

And while it seems that more women have embraced the ritual of letting go of a loved one, men also have their ways of marking the end of a relationship. For instance, a friend of mine who had recently broken-up with his fiancé, hiked to a beautiful vista he loved overlooking a river far below. He then tossed a stone representing the emotional end to the relationship. And then walked away.

While there has been criticism of what is essentially a celebration of the failure to remain coupled, ritualizing this ending and the major life transition it represents, is generally regarded as a healthy step forward.

Symbolically “quitting” a relationship, whether it ends legally or just emotionally, can jump start the healing process and reinforce our connections to other friends and loved ones. It is not a celebration of what could have been, but what is yet to be.